The Four Tendencies Book Review

The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin is not your typical personality type book.

Her main point is that there are four ways people respond to expectations. And there are outer expectations and inner expectations.

Outer expectations are those placed on us like a work deadline, a medical appointment, or a request from a friend or relative.

And inner expectations are those we place upon are selves. Most of these expectations come from our personal goals. So if we wanted to learn to play the piano, our inner expectation is that we would regularly practice the piano and take lessons.

How Do I Learn My Tendency?

Gretchen has a very short quiz that you can take on her site. You will have to give an email address, but the you can unsubscribe. She has an email series promoting her course on a more in depth understanding of your tendency.

The quiz is also in the book so you can easily record your own answers. Remember to go with how you generally prefer to do something. Don’t try and overthink it.

Learning your own tendency can help you respond to situations with family and friends that may have been difficult in the past. It can also help you see better ways to communicate with bosses and coworkers.

When reading about the four types, you may think that you’re two types depending upon the situation.

Gretchen says that sometimes we may respond differently in various settings, but ultimately, we have one tendency.

Plus there are variations within the tendencies.

But the bottom line is that the Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

Who Is Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen is a self-described Upholder who got her degrees in law, and worked in that field for a few years.

Deciding she was happier being an author and expert on happiness, she left the life of a lawyer behind and started a podcast with her sister called Happier with Gretchen Rubin.

She has published other books on happiness and creating better habits. And she’s a public speaker.

The basis for this book is on her experiences and interviewing people.

So, when reading this book, you’ll find it very approachable. There’s not a lot of references that you will flip around following.

What Are the Four Tendencies

The actual full name of the book is The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too).

As you’d expect, some people tend to get along better with others. They understand that type of person better than others.

But this book offers great advice for working with the other tendencies. You may find ways to implement it in your home and work life fairly quickly.

To quickly understand the tendencies, let’s use New Year’s resolutions as the example. Upholders are most likely to make them. Rebels dislike them. Questions make resolutions when the time seems right instead of an arbitrary date. And Obligers give up making them because they struggle too much to keep them.

Upholder

The Upholder makes up about 19% of all people. The motto of the Upholder is “Discipline is my freedom.”

The Upholder doesn’t need an accountability partner. If they aren’t going to get it done, no amount of external pressure will have any effect.

Upholders love schedules and routines. They do things when they see they need to be done. One of their weaknesses is not understanding why other people don’t just do what they see needs being done.

If you have an Upholder friend, you know you can count on them for anything and everything.

But an Upholder boss could be a challenge since they have problems delegating.

Upholders also have difficulties with ambiguity and changes in plans.

There are variations within each tendency. An Upholder can share qualities with either Obliger or Questioner.

An Upholder who tips towards Questioner give greater weight to their inner expectations as opposed to external expectations. The Upholder who tips towards Obliger is the opposite.

If you’re an Upholder, it’s essential that you use your love of routines to regularly schedule relaxation time for yourself. And that you honor that time.

It’s also important to regularly journal your inner expectations. You may have some hanging around that you no longer want or need that you can release through meditation.

Questioner

The Questioner makes up approximately 24% of the population. Their motto is “I’ll comply – if you convince me why.”

The Questioner doesn’t intend to drive others crazy with all their questions. They just want to fully understand why they’re being asked to do something.

The Questioner strongly resists random or arbitrary rules and will often question or ignore them if they don’t see the purpose. They need to have their actions justified.

One very positive aspect of the Questioner is that they are willing to do exhaustive research. They love weighing options as much as Upholders love their schedules.

The Questioner needs to make up their own minds even if they’re given “expert” advice. They don’t automatically accept authority.

This can be difficult if you have a Questioner working for you, or if you’re married to one. Or if your child is one. Ok, it may seem difficult to you unless you’re another Questioner.

One weakness of a Questioner is that they hate to be questioned. They feel like they’ve done enough research and you should just trust them.

Another is that they often suffer from analysis-paralysis and may need to be given a deadline for a decision.

The variations are towards Upholder or towards Rebel. A Questioner/Upholder does question everything but they’re persuaded fairly easily to meet an expectation.

But the Questioner/Rebel challenge expectations so fiercely and reject them often so they appear to be rebels. The key difference is their motivation. Questioners will resist because they think it’s unjustified but the Rebel resists because they don’t want to be controlled.

Obliger

The Obliger is the largest of the group coming in at around 41%. Their motto is “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”

Obligers love to serve others for their inner satisfaction. But even they have their limits.

An Obliger finds it very difficult to say no, so they often accept too many requests until they snap and refuse to meet an expectation any longer. They can be small and symbolic or large and destructive.

The Obliger is truly the foundation of every community. They excel at meeting other people’s demands and deadlines. They have a very active sense of obligation.

Their weakness is that they cannot self-motivate. They absolutely need external accountability.

The variations are Obliger/Upholder and Obliger/Rebel. The Obliger/Upholder has a better sense of their capabilities and can set boundaries more easily. The Obliger/Rebel feels more pressure to rebel against all the requests and demands made of them.

This was one of the longer chapters in the book full of strategies for coping. If you find that you’re an Obliger, you may find relief in identifying strengths and strategies for dealing with your weaknesses.

Rebel

The Rebel is the smallest of the tendencies at around 17%. Their motto is “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”

Rebels want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. They resist anyone telling them what to do, even themselves.

Telling them that people are counting on them will backfire since they have no desire to be controlled by external expectations.

To communicate more effectively with a Rebel, you need to turn it around and ask what they think, what they suggest. Let them have a choice.

Often people look at Rebels and wonder when they’ll just “grow up.” But that’s not their tendency. They won’t, and they should be accepted as just a different type of person.

The variations are Rebel/Questioner and Rebel/Obliger which are similar to what I’ve already mentioned, but the motivation is different.

While Rebels can be frustrating, the Rebel tendency has brought many wonderful changes to our society.

A Rebel friend can give you a refreshing outlook on a problem. And many Rebels choose to do things out of love rather than obligation.

How Can I Best Use My Tendency?

Learning your tendency will help you ignite your life and be more true to who you really are.

It can also help you find the better career path. If you’re a Rebel, you probably won’t be happy in a situation where you’re constantly told what to do and expected to produce on a schedule.

If you find that you’re an Obliger and always feel put upon, you can use this knowledge to learn boundary setting. When you learn how to say “no” to some things, you’ll learn how to say “yes” to the important things.

Questioner’s shouldn’t be in careers where there are a lot of arbitrary rules that don’t seem to make sense. But they’d flourish in areas where they can do deep research.

My Favorite Parts of the Book

I appreciated the opportunity to learn different ways of requesting assistance from the other tendencies.

I also appreciated learning more about how other people respond and react to situations that are different than me. To communicate effectively, we need to reach people through their tendency and not our own.

Each of the tendencies brings a lovely thread to be woven in to the tapestry of life.

It’s given me a richer understanding of the world. I’ve grown thanks to this new understanding and levels of communication.

Plus, it allows me to have a deeper self-knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses. I can protect myself from being manipulated, and be more in control of my life and my decisions.

My Final Thoughts

I hope you read the book and let me know what you think. Normally I wouldn’t recommend a personality type book since we’re all such special and beautiful creatures.

In this case, I think it helps to identify our tendency for that frees us to focus on what does work for us rather than what’s wrong with us.

Put aside the negative labels that you’re “lazy” and create plans that include the external accountability (if you’re an Obliger and can’t figure out why you can’t get things done).

And use these skills to strengthen your relationships with loved ones. When we work together, we can go much farther than when we struggle on our own.